I Just Want to Write.



 
Emotions Contained (1995) - Marie-Ange Guilleminot
I just want to write. I have no idea in my head because currently I’m fucking tired of everything. I’m tired of being told what I have to list on my priority. I’m tired watching good movies and listening to good music because they makes me lost my words when words are everything I have, but I don’t want to do anything except drown myself in good movies and good music.


I’m writing this right now not because I have brilliant concept of poem or contemporary prose or short story in my brain like I usually do. I’m writing this right now because I’m done talking nonsense in conversations with people. Even if I stop talking then I have to listen to their nonsense. I’m sick of people. I’m sick of them because my words lost its depth in order to make the chit chats going on when words are all I have, but I don’t want to do anything beside swim in new stories of my friends’ life. 


I’m just shutting down my internet because if it’s on, I’m going to open my browser instead of Microsoft Word and I’m going to fly around the net looking at those silly memes and wise quotes that never really hit my heart (nor your heart). Stupid motivation words that would do nothing to those who share it because it’s all they do. Share the quotes but do nothing to actually follow the wisdom. I’m fucking tired of the internet. It makes me feel colorless with all its colors, but then to be colorful I have to throw paints on myself and that’s why I spend lots of my time on the internet.


I’m writing this because I wanna be my own inspiration. I wanna be my own muse. I want to admire myself. I want to breed art instead of absorb it.


This piece belongs in stupid doodles or tacky diaries. A diary full of rants from a spoiled girl complaining about not getting her dream shoes at Marc Jacobs and her dad bought Topshop instead.


Then why am I writing this? I’m writing this in the sake of writing itself. I’m writing this entirely for myself. This is the most selfish thing I’m ever going ever to write. I’m lack of selflessness. I’m lack of ideas. I am lack of confidence. I am a bad writer. I can’t write. Why even I bother to put a series of black letters in white blank space.

I’m writing this because I don’t know anything. Knowing nothing is scary. Why are we scared of the future? Because we are no psychic and we can’t predict. We can’t prepare. We are afraid because we are lack of knowledge. WE DON’T KNOW A SINGLE THING!


I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! I KNOW NOTHING! 


What am I doing in this world?


I want to do something. I want to be something. I want to be something for myself. I want to feel worth it.


What is something?


Who decide that a thing is something?


What I wanna be?


I want to feel the one thing that makes my heart arrive in peaceful and happy state. I want to share it with you. I want to share to know that I am not alone in this space. I want to share to let you know you’re  not alone in this world.


I feel content  when I just let myself puke a series of words.  So I just wanna write this now. I just want to write forever. I am myself when I am writing.It is not to impress anyone. It is to fulfill my needs and get rid of my anxiety.

Is it belong in the best seller part of a bookstore?

Is it belong in the trash?

Are we belong anywhere or are we belong in the place we made ourselves?

I tend to be overthink. Don't worry too much,  I just want to fucking write.

3 komentar:

  1. the only thing you know is you. the only one who knows you is you. so find yourself in a journey that you never have the guts to do it. see the world with your own eyes, not anyone else's glasses. you've been lost for the past few months, actually. be naomi. be the girl with a magical words. her own magical words. be yourself. see yourself. find yourself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh wow if you can say that maybe you're not so anon yourself. Who are you? Me commenting myself? Loljk. Thanks, btw. X

      Delete
    2. i'm your friend and enemy. i'm your best and worst. but i'm not you.

      Delete