|Kirsten Dunst in Melancholia (2011) by Lars Von Trier|
And I truly don't know what's ahead, therefore I'm damn scared.
The limit of the past.
I couldn't go back. Going back is a coward thing to do and I am not one. And I always not sure what time is. Is the dimension linear or is change on it's own.
Going back isn't an option, no matter how tempting the choice is.
02.00 AMIt was almost dawn. And the dreams started to breed themselves. I had plans. I had a list of things I wanna do and achieve. I knew that by dawn I might just live the present and tossed the list aside, but that was how I deal with my confusion. How I defeat fear.
I got my own show in, the spotlight in front of me, a new chapter to prepare another new chapter. I was excited.
04.00 AMDawn. Everyone was starting. It wasn't just me who got afraid. It's everybody. They just won't show it because sunshine reached every dark part of their fear, one voice could ruin the masquerade.
I got friends walk beside me from the past. I might not belong but I'm not alone.
06.00 AMIt was beautiful. I know that fear was gonna perished when it's bright. An what would be better than fresh breeze kissing your skin, with promise of a new land? I danced, I sang my national anthem. Everything was in my grip. There were jolt tried to tear me apart but I stand still.
09.00 AMThe nightmare showed itself under the sun. Tears and betrayals and accused for something I was not. Wounds that last and last, they kept bleeding. Souls that are leaving. I was thrown so far from my own stage, and then at the bottom I got step at and burned like I was nothing. I thought it was just a phase but I didn't know the effect would be so dangerous. I didn't know that I fell so deep I was starting to having some kind of self-destruction. I lied down on the cold pavement as dirt started to tone down my light. So this is what's waiting. The thing that made me thinking to go back at the beginning.
I got one that stay. One that hold my hand.
01.00 PMI was telling myself to stay still. I survived the whole time. I was never belong but I made it, then why can't I now?
And I can.
It's okay to be broken, our pieces of heart are meant to create something. Then, those creation are going to bring us back to our happiness.
I just knew I can.
03.00 PMIf something meant to be in your life, they would came back to you. Their condition might not the same as the first time. But things can be fixed, if not perfectly, at least to make it work. To avoid further damage.
06.00 PMI got my rhythm back. I got everything in the right pace, I handled disappointments and exhaustion. The wounds are still bleeding but I made peace with it. They wouldn't go away and I didn't give it permission to ruin me
08.00 PMSome plans that accompanied me from the dawn were starting to shed. Someone stole my spotlight and ruined a dream. I have to dream a new dreams. Quickly, I made new ones in order to make it to the end. It happened every time. It is a part of growing up. No matter how much it sucked, it's gonna happen.
If you gotta grow up, you have to do it on your own.
09.00 PMThe one that held my hand on my hardest time is slowly leaving. Not in the bad way, it's more like a part of one's journey. It felt like being alone in the middle of the rain. Lonely, but simultaneously peaceful. I know that one is always going to be with me. It's not going to be the same as one is gonna watch me from a far instead of walk beside me, I'm okay about it. I was born to survive.
11.00 PMI'm about to arrive in a new bound. Funny, I'm not as scared. I know there are lots of new things and new people ahead. I know my wounds last and last but then I don't wanna drown in my own blood. Today might be not really my day but it done something to me: gave me valuable lessons and weapon to defeat future. To be a strong grown up woman.
I did things I was accused for after I accused for it, giving zero fuck. Apparently, not caring about what people labeled me is the best thing I can do to myself. I laugh and doing things to reach my own happiness. I don't wanna regret anything and not regretting feel awesome.
The best people in life are free.
I had fun at the end, if I can made it today, I can make it tomorrow. I'm gonna worry about things right when I enter the new door. Behind that door everything crucial to start something in the real world is waiting. And really, I believe it would be just fine.
When Pandora opened the box full of evil spirits, there is one spirit called Hope. Hope live forever, to help us survive. So why you act like you're going to kill it?
Now we're counting down to